Mike Witmer Blog Post 2on November 14, 2011 at 10:33 pm
“Pinkerton” mad genius joins us for another look into the mind of the teenage girl. Quite frankly, as the father of 6 and 3 year old girls, his writing both makes me laugh and terrifies me. Deeply.
I envision that my daughter will grow up to be a very successful lawyer (or a swindler). Believe me, it’s not one of those parent-induced dreams where I’m hoping for my child’s greatness.
No, I actually think she’d be good at it.
This kid could argue her way out of a North Korean prison. She makes sense in her arguments. She usually has a point. And every once in a while, she can navigate things in such a manner as to make me feel like a complete dipshit. These are the instances where I usually end the argument in one of those traditional father responses that echo thru the eternities of fathers everywhere:
Because I said so! Because I’m the boss! Because I don’t wanna get arrested for child abuse. Etc.
But our topic of debate this morning was one where I knew I’d lost the battle and I accepted it graciously and maturely. For the record, I NEVER accept losing graciously nor maturely. It usually ends up with me red in the face and tossing something across the room…the remote, the cat, the microwave. You name it.
Since my separation, I’ve relocated from a big boy house to a frat-boy-styled two-bedroom apartment. This new living arrangement has given me a whole new meaning of “togetherness.” I literally cannot turn around without bumping into a member of my family. As I was coming out of the community bathroom (another fine perk of apartment living…we all share the same toilet), my daughter walked past me with a cup of instant ramen. Being 6:30 in the morning, I couldn’t help but engage her. Hence the argument:
Dad: Hey, what are you doing?
Kid: I’m getting ready for school.
Dad: But what’s that…in your hand?
Kid: This? This is breakfast.
Dad: That’s not breakfast food is it? (Now keep in mind, my daughter is 12)
Kid: Define breakfast.
Kid: Who is to say that I can’t eat ramen noodles for breakfast?
Kid: But why?
Dad: Because it’s not breakfast food.
Kid: Define br-
Dad: Don’t start with me, sister.
Kid: All I’m saying is, why is eating these noodles for breakfast worse than eating them for lunch?
Kid: And why is having a dougnut better for me in the morning than, say, a roast beef sandwich?
Dad: Wait. What’s happening?
Kid: Is there some rule book somewhere that says “you can’t eat ramen for breakfast. Your stomach will explode.
Dad: Well, no. But-
Kid: And you just told me ten minutes ago to eat something. You didn’t say “eat cereal” or “make some eggs.”
Dad: Yes but you know wh-
Kid: So, in my defense, I’m eating food. If you want, I’ll put it back…but it’s already cooked so I’d need to throw it away. You don’t want me to waste food do you?
Dad: Empty the dishwasher.